My relationship with clothing has been varied. I have always loved clothes, in sort of an innate (self-involved?) way. My mom was never that into clothing. Her post-baby, aging body was a far cry from what it was when she was a slim, newly-married 20-something, and, instead of embracing that, she and I spent more time laughing hysterically in dressing rooms at ill-cut pants and unflattering lighting. Fashion wasn't that serious. However, in 4th grade I made a statement when I arrived in Mrs. DiVito's classroom (this was also the year I learned that "a lot" is, in fact, two words). I had wide-leg jeans that featured a tres chic button fly (instead of zipper). I paired these with white platform-heeled tennis shoes and a blue tie-dyed shirt with a red heart. I put my hair in these super-tight, plastic curlers the night before, giving my lank, dirt-blond hair the closest thing to the 'fro I had always (and still do!) wished for! I was looking fly.
Hyper-aware from a young age, I took fashion cues from girls cooler than me simply by their advanced ages. As a dancer, I was around older girls all the time. None of them had bangs. Mine had to go. Thus, the year spent with hair slicked back and sprayed into submission. To complete the look: scrunch socks, bike shorts, and oversized tshirts (I have a vivid memory of one with a neon green tree frog featured prominently). Viva being an 8-year-old in 1995!
Weight was something I struggled with. While never hugely overweight, I definitely had some chubby years. In 7th grade, I lost all of that and I still think of that as a year of Great Fashion (ha ha). I had newfound opportunities to wear "fancy" dresses, as many Jewish friends celebrated their Bat Mitzvahs with lavish parties; plus, I was finally tall enough to wear clothes from Contempo Casuals and Wet Seal! Hooray! Why, yes, I do think that orange pleather zebra-stripe-embossed halter dress is an excellent choice. Charge it (on my mom's credit card!). Little did I realize that my height had peaked and I would spend the rest of my life (?) bemoaning the fact that, at 5'3", I can't eat as much and stay slim, and I can never find correct-length pants off the rack (unless wearing capris as full-length pants is considered "correct"). In 7th grade, I had a lot of friends, and we started emulating the ideas presented to us (from television? movies? where?) that real friends greeted each other every day with a hug. So, every day, I would get tons of hugs -- and tons of compliments on my clothes: "You look so cute!" I've since realized that I derived a lot of my self worth from these superficial compliments.
This is what I struggle with. I am fascinated and enthralled with clothing and design, colors, textures, and this type of superficial "beauty." I like pretty things, and I am good an curating brightly colored collections of things. I enjoy doing this. I like thrift shopping, and I like being told my sense of dressing is cool and unusual, that my apartment is decorated in an eclectic and colorful way that fits my personality.
I went through a phase where I wanted designer things: a Kate Spade backpack, 7 for all Mankind jeans, and in my senior photo, a Lacoste polo (one of many in my collection). Now, I avoid overtly branded things. But I prefer Levi's jeans. I have a pair of Toms. I bought a vintage Dooney and Bourke bag at the Value Village. I'm aware of brands, but at the same time don't want to promote them. It was so fascinating shopping with my fashion-clueless ex-roommates. It truly seemed blissful to be so ignorant to these things, in a way. But also not. She dresses like a forty-year-old. Sweater sets are a hard thing to rock.
Developing an equilibrium is something I struggle with. I like street fashion blogs like hel-looks that emphasize second hand shopping. Buying used is great for a variety of reasons: it reduces landfill waste while forcing the second-hand shopper to stretch his or her creativity. I like that challenge. But I also feel the need to tell people I bought those shoes/pants/sweaters they are cooing over at a thrift shop, as if to say, "How clever am I?" So ego driven! Sheesh!
It's easy to dress well if you're buying all new things, if you have a ton of money, if you're preciously slim and beautiful. I am not these things. But I am creative, I have a cute haircut, and I have a large amount of clothes to work with.
And I also recognize the improved sense of self that can result from feeling cute and well put-together.
Which is why I am committed to wearing what I have in creative, functional ways... and sharing them here. To keep myself accountable. To reclaim that pride in myself I felt when constantly complimented. Now, I want to give myself that feeling. I don't need to rely on anyone else!
xx.
Lo
